I can't believe how hard it is to get in here and POST to my own blog! That's the main reason I rarely do it. By the time I find my way in, I'm either out of time or out of motivation, or have forgotten what I wanted to say!
OK, here's part of what's been spinning around in my head. In beginning to read Becoming your Best, Shallenberger talks about clarifying your goals and dreams. That's as far as I've gotten in the book. Can't get past that.
Problem is, I've never really had any. I've always been such a follower that I don't think I ever really dreamed any of my own dreams.
Back in YW, they'd encourage us to set goals to decide the kind of women we wanted to be; decide what we wanted to do with our life. I tended to just think of supporting my future husband in what he needed. I mean, what if I wanted to BE something that ended up conflicting with what he needed. Would not those differences create conflict? Gotta avoid conflict at any price, right?
So I've grown up (or not) being some sort of shadow; please everyone, don't rock the boat; don't make waves.
Sure, I used to really want a horse. The grown-up reality is that a horse means lots of space, work, money, yadayada. What I probably really had in mind was to have a beautiful horse come a'runnin' when I whistled, easy to ride, mountains to ride up into, and for someone else to take care of all the work and the cost (I've been told you need to count on about $4000/month). I wasn't interested in owning a not-beautiful horse. It had to be Arabian, or Morgan, or .....(To be honest, there's still that little achy dream about that...)
I've always wanted to sail - SUPER unpractical; again, expensive, not realistic. Requires lots of money, ways to get the boat to the lake, etc. And Vic doesn't like water at all, so I'd go alone? Not smart, or as fun. Canoeing or kayaking slightly more possible, but cost, transportation, where to go, who to go with?
Wanted to skydive. Or hang-glide. (Not so much any more). Actually, I still think it would be cool to hang-glide.
Hot air balloon, just once.
River raft.
And the list goes on.
I used to really want to do exciting, active things. I postponed those things on purpose, saying, "I'll give 100% to my kids now, and I'll be 50-something when the youngest is 18-ish; plenty of time to do what I want THEN." I did not realize how tired I'd be at 50, so emotionally fatigued, and that I'd feel a little bit broken.
Some of the list I've given up on because it was just a childhood fantasy, like the beautiful horses that appeared out of nowhere and took care of themselves. Some of the list I've just given up on, realizing they're just not going to happen. The list is tarnished, distant, and it makes me a little sad.
Also, most the stuff I wanted to do when I was younger now seems like SO MUCH TROUBLE as to be not that important to me any more, as an older tired person.
I'm thinking that those are not the kinds of things the book is referring to.
I asked Anne today WHY does she keep going to the gym, especially since neither of us feels much progress. I understood that she sees it as an investment in her future, and I can understand that. I'll add that to my short list of WHY and maybe WHAT.
Kresten Erickson in his homecoming talk said that "The Gospel of Jesus Christ is about BECOMING something. Becoming. That helps.
So INVESTMENT IN THE FUTURE. BECOMING. Sort of the same thing, yeah?
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