Deeper Thoughts on the Atonement

     Vic and I have been called to teach the Payson 16th Ward Temple Prep class. I was really afraid they were going to call me to the Primary. So when Bishop Brimley said, "Temple Prep class", I was so relieved, and over the moon! We were going to be so great! We'd go to each of the "less active's" homes and visit them, get to know them, fellowship them into the class, into the temple, etc. 
     Haven't done that yet. There've been 3 classes. Vic was there for the first one, then the school year began to power up at BYU and he's gone to his YSA ward most Sundays. We taught the first class together, and it was great. The other two I've done alone; well, Oscar Arce was there the second week to explain a little about the questions that are asked in the temple recommend interview. Last week, it was just me and one other very cute and humble young, pre-mission student. We kept the door open and had class anyway. Sometimes smaller is better.
     So I've been feeling pretty guilty about all the personalization I haven't been doing, etc.
     Anyway, I've thought it would be cool to have a little thought or paragraph to send or take to the class members that don't make it to class. Nothing heavy-handed or preachy, but something hopeful. Something that might help them WANT to move forward and upward in their lives, and WANT to move in the direction of something better for themselves and their families and their future. And want to know how to do our part if we honestly want for Christ to change our nature. I handed this out to, well, Carter McClellan last Sunday (Actually, I can't remember whether I handed it out the 2nd Sunday or last Sunday.)

We can change our behavior. Our very desires can change. How? There is only one way. True change—permanent change—can come only through the healing, cleansing, and enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ."

- Russell M. Nelson
"Decisions for Eternity"

     For the 2nd class (2 young pre-mission men and a cute active couple with a tiny baby) I had felt impressed to talk about the Atonement; how it's BECAUSE of the Atonement that we can GO to the temple; how it's because of it that we have hope for, and the ability to, CHANGE from who we are or have been, to who we can and need to become. How the Atonement is not only for, "I've messed up so bad, please please please forgive me and help me be clean again", but for BECOMING so much more than we EVER were, or thought we could be! The Atonement is the empowering possibility to soar.
     [Not making lots of sense; this is pretty disordered. I'm just trying to get to the point I was at this morning as I sat down in Sacrament meeting in the YSA 183rd ward.]
"It occurs to me that probably the main reason I'm getting tired of working in the temple is that I'm largely going through the motions, as I do most days of my life. Going through the motions, as a song on Buffy said.
     If I want changes inside me; if I want to NOT be this same old tired me - tired, apathetic, depressed ME for the rest of my life, just getting older and older & tireder & tireder, etc, I've got to want to go deeper; to not just read the scriptures, but actively & enthusiastically DIVE in to discover what the Lord can reveal me to myself - SO THAT I can discover HIM.

*Study enabling & empowering power of Holy Ghost & Atonement

So back to Ether: 27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

I've struggled a little with wondering how it's such a good thing for Got to point out to me my weaknesses. I mean, there are already so many; it would help for Him to point out more? I think I wrote last time about that scripture and the issue of the Savior washing the disciples' feet. Peter objects, and the Savior says, "If I wash you not, thou canst have no part with me." 
     If we don't allow Him to show us our sins, we have no part with Him. 
See also D&C 95:1 whom I love I also chasten that their sins may be forgiven.

D&C 101:5 For all those who will not endure chastening, but deny me, cannot be sanctified.

Again, we NEED to change at a soul-deep and cellular level; we need the Atonement for the ability to rise higher than otherwise possible. 
Nature abhors a vacuum, and what is removed (sin & weakness) must be replaced with something higher and better. Here is a good place to insert a great lesson Linda Brimley gave me. She said that in the parable of the olive tree, the Master doesn't just toss out the bad branches. For every branch he cuts out, he replaces it with a new branch. She said the Lord doesn't expect us to just get rid of diseased stuff, but to replace it with better stuff. It's about balance.

Being Shown our Weakness is a Good Thing WHY?

27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. (Ether 12:27)
I've always known I had a lot of weaknesses. You can't grow up as the youngest of five children, AND having A.D.D. and not be aware of many, many weaknesses. 
And I've felt at times that I was able to wrap my head around what a good thing it is for the Lord to show us our weaknesses, so then we know what to work on, right? But way deep down, my feeling was, "being shown my weakness is a good thing WHY?"
But a week ago, in the YSA ward, we were talking about this in S.S. class, and from somewhere came into my mind the visual of the Savior washing the disciples feet. Peter objects, knowing that Jesus was the Messiah, the promised Savior. But Jesus says, "If I wash thee not, thou hast no part with me" (John 12:8). 
It hit me. If the Lord does NOT show us our weakness, and if we do not LET Him show them to us, we have no part in Him, nor He in us. He cannot help us, lift us, save us, if He is not allowed to "wash our feet", or "see our (life) nakedness." If we don't offer to him, in full disclosure, all our warts, failures, guilt, and so on.

An Old Note to Myself, and then some.

I ran across this piece of paper while trying to clean off my desk. I had written, "Who am I to stand in  judgement over my own worth, especially in a condemning way? I would NEVER do that to someone else, ever."
The key question, around all these feelings of lack of skills or competencies, self-condemning, the inability to take action on anything, or move forward in any area, ETC, is: CAN I FIX IT? Yes or No? Can I fix it RIGHT NOW? Yes or No?
As an entire issue, NO, I cannot fix this THING right now. It's too huge to take on. It's dragging me down because it's too overwhelming - even too devastating too late in life to FIX.
Ergo, I must PUT IT DOWN, and step back, back off from it. I need to place it,with all my foibles and mess of a life and all my weaknesses, at the feet of the Savior, and consecrate it to Him.
This is how and why:  
27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

Grateful for Answered Prayers

So I had a long talk with Kris Thursday morning. Earlier that morning when Vic went out to get in his car, he found a small folded piece of burnt paper with a bent paperclip that had apparently fallen out of Kris's car. It had a slightly familiar smell, like cigarette smoke but different. I was pretty sure it was a roach - a small makeshift device for smoking marijuana. I mulled it over in my mind, how to talk to him about it without putting him in a position where he felt like he had to lie. Before he came out to leave for work, I'd been studying some on the talk that Vic and I have been assigned for his High Priest assignment on Sunday, Be Not Afraid, Only Believe, by President Uchtdorf. 
So when Kris came out of his room, all ready to leave, I said, "Um, Kris, I need to ask you a question: What is that?" pointing to the roach. He went over an picked it up, kind of "Um"-ing, and didn't' turn around. I said, "Kris?" and sort of tugged on his shirt. He finally turned around and kind of resignedly said, "It is what it is. It's resin." Meaning the leftovers from having smoked pot.
So we got talking, and he said how he was really glad to finally sort of be forced to come clean with us, but there hadn't been the right time before. He was honestly relieved. 
We talked for a long time about lifestyles, like what he wants vs what we'd like for him. He saw no conflict between having a testimony of the church, and leading the lifestyle he wants, which is drinking when he wants, smoking the occasional joint, etc. I said that if he really had a testimony (which he has actually borne in testimony a few years ago), there would be an emotional and/or spiritual connect with that and wanting to live the gospel and take on behaviors that would bring him closer to his Heavenly Father, etc. He said how he really doesn't want to give up that much control of his own life. (Boy, did I fight THAT battle for years!) I said yeah, that can be pretty scary, and we talked a little about that famous scene in the third Indiana Jones where Indi had to step out from that ledge, even though he could see nothing to step ONTO, and how faith is like that. 
Then the talk I'd been studying came to mind, and I said, "You don't have to do it all at once. Baby steps! All you have to have is a tiny desire to even have a tiny desire!" 
We'd by then pretty much exhausted what needed to be talked about, and he said he didn't know what do do now, (not life-wise so much as right there in the living room.) I said how before at times in his life, when he was at odds as to which direction to go, I'd challenged him to ask Heavenly Father where he could be the most useful with his amazing talents, and to read the Book of Mormon. I challenged him again to read the Book of Mormon 15 minutes a day, asking every page or two whether a man could have written it by himself. He said, "I can do that." So he accepted the challenge.
Now Kris sometimes says the nice thing that he's expected to say, with no real FEELING of the commitment of following through, but it's a start. He said he'd sign into LDS.org to find the Book of Mormon and read on his phone. Please remember his in your prayers and your fasts.
After he left, I was like, WOW, does Heavenly Father answer prayers! Studying THAT talk, right THEN, was so great!
Then, later that day, Matt called, and was finally signed into FamilySearch! Months and months I've been telling him and Lilian about how much great spirit it can bring into our homes and our lives, and the protections against the adversary, etc. So Matt's really into the histories that he can find. He read a lot about Hans Olaus Sorenson, and is eager to learn more about Grandpa Heber & Mabel...and I had almost nothing to tell him about them!  That's why I went on the famlet asking for stories & memories about them, but no one has responded.

It's NOT that Easy!

I can't believe how hard it is to get in here and POST to my own blog! That's the main reason I rarely do it. By the time I find my way in, I'm either out of time or out of motivation, or have forgotten what I wanted to say!
OK, here's part of what's been spinning around in my head. In beginning to read Becoming your Best, Shallenberger talks about clarifying your goals and dreams. That's as far as I've gotten in the book. Can't get past that. 
Problem is, I've never really had any. I've always been such a follower that I don't think I ever really dreamed any of my own dreams. 
Back in YW, they'd encourage us to set goals to decide the kind of women we wanted to be; decide what we wanted to do with our life. I tended to just think of supporting my future husband in what he needed. I mean, what if I wanted to BE something that ended up conflicting with what he needed. Would not those differences create conflict? Gotta avoid conflict at any price, right? 
So I've grown up (or not) being some sort of shadow; please everyone, don't rock the boat; don't make waves.
Sure, I used to really want a horse. The grown-up reality is that a horse means lots of space, work, money, yadayada. What I probably really had in mind was to have a beautiful horse come a'runnin' when I whistled, easy to ride, mountains to ride up into, and for someone else to take care of all the work and the cost (I've been told you need to count on about $4000/month). I wasn't interested in owning a not-beautiful horse. It had to be Arabian, or Morgan, or .....(To be honest, there's still that little achy dream about that...)
I've always wanted to sail - SUPER unpractical; again, expensive, not realistic. Requires lots of money, ways to get the boat to the lake, etc. And Vic doesn't like water at all, so I'd go alone? Not smart, or as fun. Canoeing or kayaking slightly more possible, but cost, transportation, where to go, who to go with?
Wanted to skydive. Or hang-glide. (Not so much any more). Actually, I still think it would be cool to hang-glide.
Hot air balloon, just once.
River raft.
And the list goes on.
I used to really want to do exciting, active things. I postponed those things on purpose, saying, "I'll give 100% to my kids now, and I'll be 50-something when the youngest is 18-ish; plenty of time to do what I want THEN." I did not realize how tired I'd be at 50, so emotionally fatigued, and that I'd feel a little bit broken.
Some of the list I've given up on because it was just a childhood fantasy, like the beautiful horses that appeared out of nowhere and took care of themselves. Some of the list I've just given up on, realizing they're just not going to happen. The list is tarnished, distant, and it makes me a little sad.
Also, most the stuff I wanted to do when I was younger now seems like SO MUCH TROUBLE as to be not that important to me any more, as an older tired person.  
I'm thinking that those are not the kinds of things the book is referring to. 
I asked Anne today WHY does she keep going to the gym, especially since neither of us feels much progress. I understood that she sees it as an investment in her future, and I can understand that. I'll add that to my short list of WHY and maybe WHAT. 
Kresten Erickson in his homecoming talk said that "The Gospel of Jesus Christ is about BECOMING something. Becoming. That helps.
So INVESTMENT IN THE FUTURE. BECOMING. Sort of the same thing, yeah?

Daily – Sunday, 7/26/2015

Friday Matt had asked us to tend Kiara so that he could take Lilian to see Avengers 2, but after I’d packed food for us to eat at their house (no time or $$ for dinner), and had driven to Vic’s office to pick him up, Matt called and said that it wasn’t going to work that night, and Vic suggested we could help out on Saturday instead. Matt said he’d check with Lilian. We went back home, thinking about going to see Antman, but just relaxing home instead.

So Saturday, about when we were trying again to figure when we were going to see Antman, Matt called to see if we could tend, so we met them in Pleasant Grove, took over Kiara, and they went to the movie. We took her to Arby’s because Matt said she LOVES their beef sandwiches and curly fries. She ate none of either, then we found a park where there was a nifty playground, an old fenced Sons of the Utah Pioneers cabin, an old wooden bridge, PLUS a large area of sand. We played for about 45 minutes on the playground, then headed over the bridge to the sand. She spent the rest of our time there just playing in the sand, now and then with a stick. When it was time to go, I had to carry her, kicking and screaming literally, towards the car. Once she saw the playground again, and Grandpa, she was happy, until it was time to leave the playground, then Gpa got to carry her kicking and screaming from there to buckle her into her carseat, where the odor made it clear WHY she’d been so happy in the sand for so long; she’d been busy! We went to the theater parking lot where we laid her on the grass and changed a really full and gross diaper (GOOD thing I’d thought to bring wipies of my own, since Lilian hadn’t packed any.) Right about then M&L came out of the theater, and we headed home. We went to see Antman a little later – it was FUN. I’ll like it much better the second time around, since I know that no main characters die.

Kris had gone clubbing with Cousin ReNae, and we were asleep when he got home.

This morning when I went out to the living room, the front door was ajar, although the deadbolt was out, as if someone thought they’d engaged it without realizing that the door wasn’t SHUT. Weird. Then when Vic and I were headed for the car for me to take him to his 8:30am meeting, I saw Kris’s backpack over at the side of the house, with stuff scattered around it. As I looked closer, I realized I was looking at a small bong, some clumps of marijuana (I’m assuming), another empty plastic bag and little Tupperware container. I grabbed all of it and went in and tossed it on his bed. He was awake enough to be aware of what it was.

I’m still trying to digest and figure what to say or do. What would the Savior say or do?

Friday, 7/24/13

gospel thoughts

Last Monday, as we do once a month, we hosted the YSA ward Vic is attached to as the assigned High Councilman. (Provo YSA 138^th Ward, YSA 13^th Stake.) We provide the refreshments, and they provide the games and the lesson. Taylor Ellsworth gave the lesson, talking about his ancestors who were among the first in the handcart companies. He spoke of Moroni 7:37, about miracles being wrought by faith. (Behold I say unto you, Nay; for it is by faith that miracles are wrought; and it is by faith that angels appear and minister unto men; wherefore, if these things have ceased wo be unto the children of men, for it is because of unbelief, and all is vain) and shared this experience of his hand-cart ancestors:

Part of the way into their journey, their only ox sickened and died. (I’m not sure about an ox in the handcart company, but it’s Taylor’s story.) They could not hope to continue without this ox, so they made it a manner of prayer and supplication to the Lord. Not long after, one of them spotted an ox up on the crest of the hill before them. The animal permitted the men to approach him and yoke him, and he pulled their cart into the next town. After un-yoking him, they turned around and he was gone.

This wasn’t part of his lesson, but a little further into the chapter, in verse 44, it talks of, “confess(ing) by the power of the Holy Ghost that Jesus is the Christ…” I thought about that, and could only think that having that kind of testimony, that you would confess it by the power of the Holy Ghost, is a gift of the Spirit. A powerful one. I’ve heard of bearing your testimony with the power of the Holy Ghost, but the phrase about confessing it, BY THE POWER OF THE HOLY GHOST, just caught my attention and gave me some thoughts and food for reflection.

I subbed in the temple last night. I felt that the shift supervisors were a little less than warm and fuzzy; especially one. She just doesn’t appear happy, and tends to cut people off. She’s very abrupt.

Anyway, I was at my first post, which, as luck (or Tender Mercies) would have it, was in the Celestial Room. I was standing, as the Matron is a stickler for NOT sitting), and feeling a little less than warm and fuzzy myself, thinking how “subbing” frequently in the temple had lost its charm; you know, end of the honeymoon, etc. My feet and knees were already hurting, and the shift had just begun!

Then of course, owing I supposed, to the fact that I WAS standing in the Celestial Room, it was almost inevitable that the thought came to me, “Who are you working for here? WHOM are you serving? Do you seek the approval and warm fuzzies from the shift supervisors or other Temple regulars? I thought, I’d better NOT be; I’m serving to benefit my family (ref Elder Eyring’s talk about our service bringing the Lord closer to our families), to honor my descendants, so then some of the Title of Liberty phrases came into my head, but they weren’t really a good fit. So I made up my own.

.In memory of my ancestors, in service to my Savior, for the salvation and exaltation of my family.

So every time I started to become distracted by achy feet/knees, etc, I brought this theme/mantra back to my mind.